The Family as a Group

A family is a group of people and like any group operates according to certain rules or principles. These can be spoken or unspoken. Good rules help the group to be healthy. Bad rules create dysfunction and distress. An example of a good rule or principle is "everyone has the right to feel safe", an example of a bad rule is "no one is allowed to be angry". The underlying beliefs and emotional baggage we bring in to a family from past situations tend to be the biggest influence on the rules of the new family. (Refer to the article "Relationship issues" by the same author). The best situation is when everyone is comfortable with the same principles.

Common Problem Areas

One common problem area is when there is major disagreement over the group rules. Parents may not agree on how children are to be disciplined. Years of conflict may result with everyone being hurt in the process. Another common area of disagreement is the work time /family time issue. Establishing a set of principles that works for everyone in the family can be a worthwhile investment.

The Relationship Script

Most of us have a script for how we interact with others, which is unconscious and is just like we've been handed a part in a play. This script has come from our original family situation and gets played out in our new families. The part we play creates complementary parts for those around us. For example if my part is an autocratic parent, I will create a role for my child that is either rebellious, or compliant but inwardly resistant. This gives us the opportunity to vent anger on a child which may in fact be unresolved anger belonging to our own parent. The problem is we don't know this is happening and our anger seems totally justified.

Dealing with Outside Influences

There are many outside influences on each member of the family and they can be positive or very negative. Negative outside influences can put enormous strain on a family unit and sometimes the acute or ongoing stress can be greater than people's resources to cope. Illness, unemployment, the influence of the peer group, bullying, interference by extended family, housing issues, are just a few of the outside influences that can put great stress on families. Acknowledging the problem and finding effective coping strategies to deal with these difficulties can result in the development of resilience.

Boundary Issues in Families

A violation to the personal boundary of family members is a distressing issue. Sex abuse, violence or emotional abuse requires professional help. The effects of such violations can be overcome however hurt people, hurt others. Don't wait to get help.